Spicing up C-USA is Needed!

by Eric Gilmore

Let’s spice up this C-USA Media Blitz.

The annual Conference USA’s Media Blitz was a meet-and-greet ceremony a short year ago. Instead of spitting hot air and building hype, administrators were staring at maps to find exactly why El Paso, Texas isn’t in Mexico.

This season, with the conference a year older and wiser, coaches and administrators are adjusting their tunes. Gone is the slogan “Get to know us.” Instead, the quotes are filled with jargon such as ‘parity’ and ‘equal.’ Literally, every quote. It seemed that the ‘every team can win the championship’ speech was looped on the teleprompter.

True? Yes. Rice doesn’t count. Boring? Freak yeah. I’d rather watch paint dry.

Give me some juicy info. Skip, get mad for being selected to finish last in the East Division and 10th overall, despite your team’s respectable 5-6 record in 2005. Give us a laugh and pull a Spurrier, pretending to hate the media and every repetitive question.

Spice the sleep-fest up. Heck, rib Trev Alberts for getting upset that your dad, Lou, damaged his ego by stealing Alberts’ precious airtime. Or how about he continually disrespected non-BCS schools as an ESPN analyst yet every C-USA head coach brownnosed him on Monday.

Let me humbly offer Holtz and his immediate entourage some sound advice. ECU doesn’t get diddly when it comes to respect in this Texas-based league. Holtz isn’t going to win popularity contests by being 460 miles from the nearest opponent. So I say quit trying.

Ask UFC Head Coach George O’Leary if he needs help with his (improved) resume. Reimburse UTEP Head Coach Mike Price for topping the Minnesota Vikings’ late-night hotel party. Mistake Rice’s offensive coordinator Major Applewhite, (the former Longhorns quarterback) for one of head coach Todd Graham’s six children.

Make it fun. Force offensive lineman Eric Graham to rip his shirt Hulk Hogan style. Just do something. Let us media types write something other than the boring, but familiar, ‘everyone has a chance’ and ‘(insert name) looking for a great season’ pieces.

Since I, and no other Greenville media types, could justify forking over airfare or driving two days straight to Dallas to listen to a bunch of spin, here’s what should have been overheard at the two-day extravaganza.

C-USA Commissioner Britton Banowsky- “We enjoy being the eighth-best conference in the nation. If you are an optimist, our teams, across the board, could dominate the Sun Belt Conference…yes, we can confirm that we are trying to change the name of Conference USA to Central USA. In order to do so, we are contemplating expansion. Negotiations are underway with University of North Texas because they fit in geographically and have a television market by being in the Dallas-Fort Worth region.”

Chris Scelfo- “I thought the schedule in 2005 was bad. I’d happily play eleven different locations in eleven games…against the same teams in 2006. We open with road games at Houston, Miss. St. and LSU. To beat that, my athletic director wanted to ‘challenge’ me, by scheduling games at Auburn and Tulsa. But don’t worry, I’ll have my realtor on speed dial.”

Mark Synder- “I know that people get confused by our the Thundering Herd nickname. In order to smooth out the problems, we would prefer in the future to be referred as: We are…Marshall. And yes, McConaughey has been prancing around Huntington. He really is the sexiest man alive.”

Five Bold Predictions:

1. Memphis running back Joseph Doss will help fans forget about DeAngelo Williams.

2. UFC wide receiver Mike Walker will lead the conference in receiving yards.

3. Rice will finish 1-11, beating only Tulane in a thriller.

4. Kevin Kolb’s Heisman hopes will fizzle as his interceptions mount.

5. UTEP will lose to South Carolina in the Liberty Bowl.

Eric Gilmore